When I presented my idea to my group they all thought that my idea was very good. One of my group members brought up a really good point that, if the main character and all of his friends were kidnapped in the first two minutes, that might reveal too much about the film in too little time. Instead, he proposed that when Asher goes to the bathroom, he sees the glove and then a vision occurs where he sees the campsite empty with a white glove on it, but then he wakes up and it didn't actually happen. This would foreshadow that something might happen, while still reinforcing the fact that my character has visions. He also proposed that in the beginning when Asher has visions about his mother's death, instead of showing the hospital, I can allude to it by having hospital noises in the background which makes it less abrupt and sudden that Asher has this ability. The good thing is that I haven't storyboarded yet so the only thing I have to change is my script at the end and my story outline.
Here are the updated versions of both:
STORY OUTLINE:
-Friends driving to camping sites and listening to music having fun
-It is late afternoon the sun is still out when the friends get to the camping site
-They get out of the car and start unpacking their camping gear
-Asher is the last one to get his stuff and as he is getting his stuff a picture is peeking out from one of his bags
-He takes the picture and looks at it, It is a picture of him and his mom and he gets a vision
-In the vision a heart monitor is beeping and it flatlines
-During the vision clip of the hospital lights and other things that infer the hospital appear
-His friends call to him and he is brought out of vision, he puts the picture away and grabs his stuff-A shot from inside trees shows the friends setting up implying they are being watched
- Happy music as they are setting up different shots but happy music stops when the shot from inside the trees occurs
- Once the kids are done they are sitting across the campfire, the camera goes around in a circle showing the dynamics of the group (sisters, boyfriend, etc) shot stops on Asher as he is talking to Claire and mid-conversation he gets a vision
-During vision heartbeat in the background and flashes of the cross, the glove, the hut, and the woods crosses occur
-It is a slow zoom so when inserts finish it is a tight close causing discomfort
- Claire snaps him out of it and she asks if he is okay
-He said yes but that he needed to go to the bathroom
-Another shot from the other side of the woods shows Asher getting up and walking into the forest
-A shot from behind showing Asher’s back but peeing sound effects plays
-Handheld shots make it look like someone is behind Asher
-Asher hears something and turns around
-He sees nothing but a white glove
-He finishes peeing and sees a white glove on the floor
-He goes to check it out and realizes that it is the same one as his vision, he then touches is
-He hears screaming from the campsite and rushes to go see what happened
-A close up of Ashers face shows fear
-an eyeline match shows the campsite empty with a white glove
-and then another close up of Ashers face
-and then another eyeline match shows his friends back where they were before
-the opening ends with a look back at Ashers face with confusion with tension broken
SCRIPT (Formatting is wrong because I copied and pasted it):
EXT.CLAIRE’S CAR- LATE AFTERNOON
A group of friends listening to music in the car, everyone having a good time as they pull up to the campsite. The teens get out of the car and start taking out their stuff from the car.
RUBY
(over chatter)
Claire, can you open the trunk?
CLAIRE
Yeah
ASHER is the last one to get his stuff. When he goes to get his bag he notices a picture peeking out. It was a picture of him and his mother. He picks it up and gets a vision.
CUT TO:
INT. Hospital- 2017
ASHER has a vision of his mother's death, *only sound
HEART MONITOR GOING VERY FAST
ASHERS MOTHER
My boy. I will always look after you.
HEART MONITOR FLATLINES
CUT TO:
EXT. BACK OF CLAIRE’S CAR- LATE AFTERNOON
ASHER gets pulled out of vision. MARK yells from across the street on the campsite.
MARK
(yelling)
Asher…get your ass over here, don’t think you can get out of helping!!
JADE
Let him be Mark
ASHER pauses for a second. He puts the picture back in the bag, grabs his stuff, and closes the trunk.
ASHER
(YELLING)
Calm down kid, I’m coming-I’m coming
ASHER walks to the campsite and sets his stuff down. All the friends set up their stuff and sit at the bonfire. The friends talk and fool around until ASHER gets another vision. He sees flashes of a cross necklace, a glove, a wooden hut, and wooden crosses. He then gets pulled out of his vision.
CLAIRE
(TOUCHES HIS SHOULDER)
Are you okay?
ASHER
(STILL OUT OF IT)
Y-Yeah, I just need to go to the bathroom
ASHER gets up and walks to the forest so he can pee. Once he finishes peeing he hears something behind him. He turns around and sees a white glove on the floor in the distance. He walks toward the glove and picks it up. When he picks up the glove he enters a vision (the viewer doesn’t know) he hears screaming coming from the campsite so he runs to see what happened. He looks and sees that the campsite is empty except for a white glove. He looks again and his friends are back, establishing it was a vision.
THE END
Now that I have updated all of my papers, I can start storyboarding. I am really happy we got to do this meeting because it helped me figure out how to achieve my vision (no pun intended) without giving everything away in the first two minutes.